What am I afraid of?... which invisible chains keep constraining me from being what I truly can be?... what can I be?... truly... what can I be?... I'm tired of feeling like this guy from the "prison of liberty" tale... so many choices, so many doors... too afraid to open one, to cross the door. Too afraid to leave the other choices behind and once and for all set my 100% in one single thing...
Why can't I say no?... why do I get involved in so many things?... and then not do anything great in any of them?... My actions I think have not been driven by hopes, they have been driven by fears... even quitting innox was driven by fear... a fear to get caught up in software development... ha!... but fear after all... which fear made me stay on my major?... who do I want to please?... Why do my parent's fears have such a huge repercussion on my insides... why do they make me be like this?...
I was invited to take part of this course, a course in which pretty much they will take my insides out, make me look at them, probably puke, clean them, and put them back in place. A course of self discovery, of "fear finding" an fighting... I am almost sure that I know what I want to be... I think I have known for quite a while in my life... but my fears keep pushing me away from that dream... and they have harmed the dream so much that now I don't think I will ever be as good as drawing as I wanted... the more I learn about comics, the more I read them, the more I see what it takes, and the more I realize that I've wasted so much of my time learning "the right things" and leaving my true passions locked inside some closet...
When I was a kid those were fun passions... passion that would make me stay coloring and drawing for hours... and a passion that was encouraged even by my parents... but then it was growing up time... "getting serious time"... without realizing it I locked up those passions, and with the time they have become huge monsters ought to get revenge... they want pay back for all this "lost" years. They are still my passions, they are fiery, strong, dinamic... they make things happen... but they are no longer the "warm feelings" making the kid draw in the wall... they are fully grown dreams willing to tear my self appart for not paying attention to them...
According to this course it's all about the fears that our family have, not knowingly, bested upon ourselves as we were growing up... our drives and fears come from the way our parents hope and fear, and theirs from their parents and so on... it's hard to believe... it's hard to accept. But quite possible if you ask me.
Again... what would you do if you were not afraid?... Would I learn something if I take the course?... it's almost presumptuous to say I wouldn't... but I think I know what's the problem with me... will it empower me with the proper tools to face that problem?... to be able to walk despite the fears?
Life... success... making money... fullfilling expectations... my expectations... my parents... my life... their son... my success... their failure?.
How?... focus... why can't I focus?...
Why can't I say no?...
Ha ha ha... it's almost funny... I just read the "joey's charm" entrance... there you go...
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