What is it that you fear the most?...

There is a subject for an interesting forum... that question, and the one of "you open a door... what do you see?"... they are very interesting conversation openers... by the way, I noticed today how two guys looked at me and my friends in a funny way, because of the things we were discussing... I said something about how interesting it is that people do pay their tacos on the taco stands... that latinamericans have a fame of trying to mess the other one up, but still, in the taco stands everyone pays, eventhough they could just walk out... anyway... the thing is that as we were discussing this, two guys looked at us funny and I am sure they talked about how "weird" we were... or even boring... who cares... it was just interesting to see and feel that for a moment you are surrounded by people who share your ideas, and at least see the world in similar ways, and enjoy discussin it in similar ways... yet you trully are surrounded by strangers who couldn't care less... and that all they care about is fashion, shagging a girl, or going out with the cutest guy... He he he... I know I am going to extremes here... but it kind of felt that way...

Anyway... the question at hand...

Yesterday Yiorch asked Jeziel, Eve and I a question... what is it that you fear the most?... This is something that I had already kind of done with the guys from innox... and it is interesting to see how different prople are driven by different needs and fears in their lives. You often get answers like "fear to leave things unfinished"... "fear to be alone"... "fear to lose control"... "fear to failure"... etc... and they are all very valid answers...

Mine though, was another one... and today I asked the same thing to my brother, and he pretty much answered the same thing that I did... which is funny, because we were talking about the fact that my parents, in an unconscious way, made us be the way we are... kind of "rebel" to the status quo, and huge dreamers... we both talked about how we grew up reading Rampa and the third eye, Ende's great stories, knowing about the world, other cultures and magic, discussing with our dad in very philosophical terms and all... it was so strong that even our cousins made fun of us because we would actually read even if it wasn't homework (ha!), and because when my brother and I discussed we always did it in an intellectual level and using words "to big to our age"...

I know Victor and I are very different... and it's not only our 4 years appart, or the two 1st letters of our names... yet we are closer than I though for a very long time. He is still my younger brother, and it is my duty to bother him, just as he has to be a pain in the arse to me as well... but still... he is becomming more of a friend, and I see more of the similitudes with time...

So... my answer was that I am afraid of not "fullfilling MY goal"... kind of not living my life... not pursuing my dreams... I am afraid of not trascending, not being all that I can be. I am afraid to spend my life fullfilling the expectations of everyone around me but my own... I am afraid to become a zombie, feeding with the smiles and aproval of the others, but never trully driven by my hopes... Afraid of "not making it"... of dreaming too much... of having to leave behind who I trully am to become a "productive man of this world"...

Yet... it is interesting aswell to see that you always actually do what do want to do the most. And this was brought to my attention by Ireri... everybody in the world always does what they trully want to do the most. Say for example, I really want to be with some friends and play video games, but at the same time I have to go to a boring familiar meeting, or a wedding. I know I trully prefer to be with the guys playing a game, yet if I chose to go to the wedding for the sake of social retribution and all that, it is because I actually chose "social acceptance" over being with my friends... Even if at the wedding I regret not being with the guys, I am actually doing what I wanted the most, it was more important to me to keep appearances than to have a good time, and so I did what suited my scale of priorities...

I started questioning this statement of course... but I came to realize that is actually real... the slave won't stand up for his freedom, even though he wants to, because actually his desire of security is must stronger than his desire for freedom... A man won't ask a girl out, even though he is dying to, because his drive to stay in control is bigger than his need to be with her, so he won't jeopardize his control... and that applies to all...

Which means that, if at some point, you "sacrifice your dreams" it's because actually, for you it was trully more important to be ok with your family, or to make more money, or anything... which is fine... and it is actually a good way to see that, somehow, at the end, you really do endup doing what you want the most.

life, life... life...

campae for that!!!!...