So, what was going on in my mind?... Well... Stuff about school and what I wanted to really do with my life, my thesis project and how much I really wanted to pursue it, job offers, working in BC, moving to Mexico, or trying for Bioware... San Francisco?... Mostly though, what really matter, is that a great deal was going on in my heart... What was really going on with Albane, and where was it all going?... I felt confused, and at some point even upset... I was getting overwhelmed.
I was getting to know Albane so much more... It is one thing to go out with someone now and then, when there is the time. And another to just live together and be exposed to the person all the time. And while I was getting to know her more, I was questioning my self a lot of things... Not bad, not at all... I guess the -hardest- part was that I was discovering all this little cute facts that made me like her a lot. I felt very comfortable around her, her energy and warmth are really good for me!, and we had so much fun together and... ehem... yes... everything was VERY good!. ** wink **
Heh...
So... I was falling more for Albane and... My stupid romanticism, and caring, made me wonder so much about what was to happen when we said good bye... Whatever was to happen, I knew it my head it was ok and would be the best. But the uncertainty was affecting me, and all the cuteness and romance was making me feel so in love... Yet I was worrying that maybe I shouldn't be feeding on this feelings, that maybe I would feel hurt at the end and should start caring about detaching my self emotionally, and thinking about letting go... Bla bla bla...
This trip meant so much for me... Working like crazy through the summer to make money to afford it, learning French, and juggling life and shifting around -reality- so that me taking off from a month wouldn't be a horrible deal. I was, absolutely, not regretting being there and being living all the experiences I was living, knowing Albane more, and creating all this memories together... Going was the best thing I could have done.
It was just that it got overwhelming now and then... Yet, I did do my best to put this thoughts aside, and just enjoy my time while I was there... Sometimes I failed doing this, and my spacingout and -being distant- was obvious... This led to Albane asking me what was up... And to a couple of interesting conversations. We talked a lot, shared a lot... Both of us... About fears, and hope, and dreams and expectations in life... Different conversations, different ideas, different times...
They do say, being open and honest about feelings is the best thing ever... Communication is the key, and sometimes just acknowledging something, and letting it out, makes you feel a ton better... Over and over, I keep realizing how true this is.
** sigh **
Monday, October 30, 2006
Part 6/10. A week in Lille
The last couple of weeks in France were more of 'working weeks', and just everyday life. Albane and I managed to have a lot of fun, and do a lot of travelling... But the truth is that reality was about to hit, and she had a lot of school work to do, and I needed to start putting my act together and get prepared a heck of a lot of stuff for my return to Canada.
This days we just hanged out in Lille, woke up early and tried to go to bed not as late... I spent a lot of time in the computer lab doing my thing, and Albane would show up every time she had a break, for a kiss or coffee if she had the time. The laptop room became kind of my place, and the spot where we would meet and she knew she could find me.
Our activities included, of course, having nice meals together, and going for a couple of beers. I LOVED eating Kebab, and there was a fun cheeses and wine night with her cousins. We had talked about organizing it the night before, and what I thought was going to be a night out with 4 people, became a small party filled with her family. It was fun!, the guys were very kind and again, I got to see I could communicate fairly well in French... Heh. At this point I was much more confident of it and, while I knew I made mistakes while I spoke, I knew I was getting my ideas across and I was getting what they were saying... Good enough for me!. He he he.
Wine was good, and some of the cheeses were good too... I understand more this French thing, heh... Its nice!. And the mix of cheese and wine in your mouth is pretty darn good, they go well together. Some cheeses though, were too much for me, too damn strong and smelly. Heh... Like 2 or 3 of them I had to pass on to Albane... He he he. She just laughed of course. We had a good night, and I believe she was very happy this time I didn't get drunk. O.o
Another of these nights, when Albane had a lot of work, I went out with the girlfriend of Benoit and some of her friends (which are Benoit's friends too). Benoit is currently in Edmonton studying as an exchange student, so he gave me a present to give his girl... Awwww. He he he. It was a fun night out with this people, a couple of beers, and we agreed to meet again before I returned to Canada. (A big motivation was that Amelie had forgotten what she wanted to send to Benoit!... he he he).
And so the days kept going... Feeling every day life, knowing more the little corners of the city... And living with Albane in a more day-to-day plan... It felt good. :-)
I have been mostly talking about facts, things we did, where and with whom... Yet, all this while, a lot of stuff was going on in my mind... sigh ... I may talk about this on the next post.
This days we just hanged out in Lille, woke up early and tried to go to bed not as late... I spent a lot of time in the computer lab doing my thing, and Albane would show up every time she had a break, for a kiss or coffee if she had the time. The laptop room became kind of my place, and the spot where we would meet and she knew she could find me.
Our activities included, of course, having nice meals together, and going for a couple of beers. I LOVED eating Kebab, and there was a fun cheeses and wine night with her cousins. We had talked about organizing it the night before, and what I thought was going to be a night out with 4 people, became a small party filled with her family. It was fun!, the guys were very kind and again, I got to see I could communicate fairly well in French... Heh. At this point I was much more confident of it and, while I knew I made mistakes while I spoke, I knew I was getting my ideas across and I was getting what they were saying... Good enough for me!. He he he.
Wine was good, and some of the cheeses were good too... I understand more this French thing, heh... Its nice!. And the mix of cheese and wine in your mouth is pretty darn good, they go well together. Some cheeses though, were too much for me, too damn strong and smelly. Heh... Like 2 or 3 of them I had to pass on to Albane... He he he. She just laughed of course. We had a good night, and I believe she was very happy this time I didn't get drunk. O.o
Another of these nights, when Albane had a lot of work, I went out with the girlfriend of Benoit and some of her friends (which are Benoit's friends too). Benoit is currently in Edmonton studying as an exchange student, so he gave me a present to give his girl... Awwww. He he he. It was a fun night out with this people, a couple of beers, and we agreed to meet again before I returned to Canada. (A big motivation was that Amelie had forgotten what she wanted to send to Benoit!... he he he).
And so the days kept going... Feeling every day life, knowing more the little corners of the city... And living with Albane in a more day-to-day plan... It felt good. :-)
I have been mostly talking about facts, things we did, where and with whom... Yet, all this while, a lot of stuff was going on in my mind... sigh ... I may talk about this on the next post.
Part 5/10. Paris (second half)
Now... Let me tell you about the little studio in which we were. Paris is crossed by the Sena river. Right around the middle, the oldest part I believe, has all this lovely places like the Boulevard Saint Michel, and Notre Dame for example. Right in the middle of Paris, the Sena river has two beautiful little Islands... We were in One of them. The Isle Saint Louis... One block away from Notre Dame, and in the center of just plain awesomeness!. GREAT PLACE... ** sigh **
We were very very lucky to be there.
We did so many things in Paris, ate such good food, had great coffees and visited so many places. Notre Dame, of course... And we went all the way up, with almost 500 steps in those ancient stairs... Saw the huge Bell that Cuasimodo used to ring on Victor Hugo's novel, and took great pictures of ancient scary gargoyles. In Saint Michael I tried Cous Cous for the first time in a lovely little place, and walked by the Sena, where many people sell VERY old books and nice art.
The first day, it seems, we were all about stairs!, so we went to Sacre Coeur too, and went all the way up again... It really is cool though, to see Paris from 'above' and from different angles. (Later we would go up the Eiffel Tower too). I really liked Sacre Coeur, and my favorite place in Paris was around the corner. Montmartre. Magical spot filled with artists and music. It seems, at some point, every artist decided to live there, so when you take the -petite train- that drive around, you are notified that "this is where X lived, this where Y lived, and in this coffe X used to hang out with Z"... bla bla bla. Where all this "letters" are names like Lautrec, Picasso and Van Goh.
Maybe... In about 15 years, I will go and put my own little coffee house with a Mexican touch in there... Heh. Who knows?... Western plastic art, music, great literature and philosophy... If they all seem to have a common place, it does seem to be Montmartre.
That night, we wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower, but we thought better... Every one goes there, no?. Deffinitelly the Museum of Erotism sounded like a better idea. ;-) Seven floors, filled with erotica, arts, antiques, and everything related to nakedness and sex... ** sigh **. Such lovely place. He he he.
Next day we went to the Castle of Versailles, and it's awesome gardens... Damn. Louis XIV did have an ego problem, or something huge to compensate... The castle it's self is cool, the architecture and everything. But of course, extremely Kitch and Barroque for my taste... Too many little things all over, too many paintings and gold in the walls... Heh. The gardens though?... I felt like I was walking on a fairy tale... That place is huge... HUGE. And just beautiful.
I think later we went to Champs Elysees, had a beer, and yes!... I saw the "Arch du Triumph" which was, to my disappointment, completely different to the one we have in Guadalajara. Heh... We went to see a movie around there. HORRIBLE SILLY BORING BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!... So yes, let me not elaborate on the movie. Heh. The good thing later that night, was going up the Eiffel Tower at night time, and see it all sparkly and shinny when the lights go on. (which happens, I believe, every hour or so).
Paris is a wonderful place... I love walking around cities that are older and have developed a personality by themselves. Paris is not great because of it's people, some of them are kind of cold and uncaring... Paris is great because the city is alive, organic, and vibrates with energy and magic. So much has happened in this place, for hundreds and hundreds of years. So much history, revolution, arts and bloodshed... All this past combined with the fashion and the style, and the multiculturality has turned it into a damn fine place.
And it was, of course, great to share it with Albane!. The places she knew, and how she knew to move around the Metro, RER, etc, made my experience 1,000 times better. Not only I had her to hold and kiss, heh... But I had her as my personal tour guide!. :-P
Damn I miss that food and those coffee places...
** sigh **
Time, as always, did ran out and we had to take the TGV back to Lille... Again, back to reality... I would need many many days to do everything I'd like to on a city like Paris... Life is long, and I'm still young I guess. No matter how many other times I visit the city though, and all the other places I may see... This memories will stick for good... Not only the places, but the company... The going back together to the cozy studio, laying in bed, and...
Yes... Good times.
We were very very lucky to be there.
We did so many things in Paris, ate such good food, had great coffees and visited so many places. Notre Dame, of course... And we went all the way up, with almost 500 steps in those ancient stairs... Saw the huge Bell that Cuasimodo used to ring on Victor Hugo's novel, and took great pictures of ancient scary gargoyles. In Saint Michael I tried Cous Cous for the first time in a lovely little place, and walked by the Sena, where many people sell VERY old books and nice art.
The first day, it seems, we were all about stairs!, so we went to Sacre Coeur too, and went all the way up again... It really is cool though, to see Paris from 'above' and from different angles. (Later we would go up the Eiffel Tower too). I really liked Sacre Coeur, and my favorite place in Paris was around the corner. Montmartre. Magical spot filled with artists and music. It seems, at some point, every artist decided to live there, so when you take the -petite train- that drive around, you are notified that "this is where X lived, this where Y lived, and in this coffe X used to hang out with Z"... bla bla bla. Where all this "letters" are names like Lautrec, Picasso and Van Goh.
Maybe... In about 15 years, I will go and put my own little coffee house with a Mexican touch in there... Heh. Who knows?... Western plastic art, music, great literature and philosophy... If they all seem to have a common place, it does seem to be Montmartre.
That night, we wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower, but we thought better... Every one goes there, no?. Deffinitelly the Museum of Erotism sounded like a better idea. ;-) Seven floors, filled with erotica, arts, antiques, and everything related to nakedness and sex... ** sigh **. Such lovely place. He he he.
Next day we went to the Castle of Versailles, and it's awesome gardens... Damn. Louis XIV did have an ego problem, or something huge to compensate... The castle it's self is cool, the architecture and everything. But of course, extremely Kitch and Barroque for my taste... Too many little things all over, too many paintings and gold in the walls... Heh. The gardens though?... I felt like I was walking on a fairy tale... That place is huge... HUGE. And just beautiful.
I think later we went to Champs Elysees, had a beer, and yes!... I saw the "Arch du Triumph" which was, to my disappointment, completely different to the one we have in Guadalajara. Heh... We went to see a movie around there. HORRIBLE SILLY BORING BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!... So yes, let me not elaborate on the movie. Heh. The good thing later that night, was going up the Eiffel Tower at night time, and see it all sparkly and shinny when the lights go on. (which happens, I believe, every hour or so).
Paris is a wonderful place... I love walking around cities that are older and have developed a personality by themselves. Paris is not great because of it's people, some of them are kind of cold and uncaring... Paris is great because the city is alive, organic, and vibrates with energy and magic. So much has happened in this place, for hundreds and hundreds of years. So much history, revolution, arts and bloodshed... All this past combined with the fashion and the style, and the multiculturality has turned it into a damn fine place.
And it was, of course, great to share it with Albane!. The places she knew, and how she knew to move around the Metro, RER, etc, made my experience 1,000 times better. Not only I had her to hold and kiss, heh... But I had her as my personal tour guide!. :-P
Damn I miss that food and those coffee places...
** sigh **
Time, as always, did ran out and we had to take the TGV back to Lille... Again, back to reality... I would need many many days to do everything I'd like to on a city like Paris... Life is long, and I'm still young I guess. No matter how many other times I visit the city though, and all the other places I may see... This memories will stick for good... Not only the places, but the company... The going back together to the cozy studio, laying in bed, and...
Yes... Good times.
Part 5/10. Paris (first half)
... I already said. On the train to Paris, I felt VERY VERY sick...
VERY...
We were to leave the very next day after my drunken stupidity, a little late because Albane had some stuff to do at her school... But that only meant I had more time to clean all the mess I made in her place... And the walls... And...
... damn... bad times.
Anyway, in the train she made a lot of fun of me, and I deserved it. Once in Paris, we got to the place where we were going to stay, and right away got ready to go out. We had a reservation for the Moulin Rouge, and there was no time to loose!. We dressed fancy for the show, I had a nice shirt, tie and all, and Albane looked quite damn good. We were just a good looking couple. ;-) Which was funny, because we decided to grab some food at 'Quick', which is a fast food place like McDonalds that I have only seen in France so far. So there, with all our fanciness, we looked very out of place.
Food was decent, and it made me feel a thousand times better... Since I arrived to France I had a little bracelet for Albane, cool one that I got for her in Mexico, and for what she was wearing and all, I decided it was a good time to give it to her. :-) She loved it!. (And yes, she looks very good with it... Matches so well her style and colors ^__^ ).
... Moulin Rouge?... Well, first we should talk about the zone where it is. The Red Light District?, or... I don't know how you'd call it. But it's all surrounded by prostitutes, sex shops, sex shows, peep shows, neon lights, and sex sex sex... The Museum of Erotism is just two blocks away, and... The whole environment is quite... Ehem... Enticing.
If I still felt a little bad from the night before, the Moulin Rouge took it all away. It's a great fun show, set up in a cool theater, and I just couldn't believe I was with such a cool girl. Albane took me there for my birthday, and... ** sigh **. She is cool.
In the show they gave us a nice large bottle of Champagne... Which I declined to drink at all, since I was still holding a grudge against alcohol. But that only cause that Albane had to drink it all, and she got quite funny her self. Heh. Not bad at all!, but awfully jolly and smiley and joking... He he he.
The show is just a bunch of dances tied together with a loose theme, but it's flashy, and shiny, and sexy and impressive. Between all the dancing, there are performers, a Mime, a great percussionist, and the typical two gay guys that carry around each other and do impressive things that seem way too easy when they do them.
... sigh ...
GREAT SHOW!.
After it, we just went back to the little Studio in which we were staying, the next day we were to have a loooong day, and we could sure use a good night of sleep. (Again, drunken night didn't let any of us get much rest the night before... heh).
Sunday, October 29, 2006
"Intersting times" is,
inded, not an interesting title for a post. Actually, I am sure a quick search would show me that I have used it several times before. Either way, it suits.
I am on a plane, again, this time flying back to Canada, after a couple of overwhelming days in San Francisco... I was flown there by a very cool Start Up company called Slide, founded by Max Levchin. The company range of services it's growing, it seems to be going on a cool direction, and they need good people in their team. :-)
Honest, I did sign an NDA (non disclosure agreement), so I don't know how much about the whole thing and interviewing process I should say. Heh... The whole thing though, was pretty darn cool, as exhausting as it may be. As an experience alone, to be talking and hanging out with the Sylicon Valley guys, right when the 2nd bubble is going on in the craziness of Web 2.0, was just fun. Meeting one of the founders of Paypal, and hear about all this cool projects, meet people who got rich all of a sudden because of the YouTube deal, etc... It's all happening there. You read about this deals, and this people and sites... Here you meet them and hang out with them and see the whole thing more for what it really is...
At slide I bumped into a cool team filled with young passionate people, that know their stuff, and want to make stuff happen. I was lucky too, and happened to be there to celebrate the birthday of one of them, and during a picnic kick-ball game between the guys from Slide and the guys from Yelp.
... What comes next?...
On verais, as they say in French. Will I get a job offer?. I don't know... At this point, I am grateful I lived the experience as it is. If I do get the offer... Some sleepless nights are to come. Will I drop out from the masters?. What happens with my TA contract?, What happens with my apartment's lease and even all my stuff?!... He he he... I didn't realize how settled I am already in Edmonton, until I started thinking that it may be time to leave the place... If the offer is solid enough, it could well be time to move on...
... It's all speculation now though. Tomorrow people from Mexico are visiting, and I hear there may be an interesting job offer for a project that starts Fall 2007, and Monday I meet with my possible new supervisors for the masters, and start working on this new Thesis project, while the Company to which I work in BC, wants me to get more involved with the Flash development in their new generation of products... O.o
AHHHHHHHHHH... All this things going on... I should stop thinking about all this, and plan what I will wear in a few hours for the Halloween party in Edmonton. :-P Now THAT is a short term priority... ;-)
Can't complain though, my life, as I said, is never boring... And having many options and things to chose from, is a much greater problem than been unemployed and without a spot to move on to...
Mmmmh... It may soon be time to close this computer, the plane seems to be getting close to Calgary already.
Cheers people...
Good vibes as usual, and a smile.
I am on a plane, again, this time flying back to Canada, after a couple of overwhelming days in San Francisco... I was flown there by a very cool Start Up company called Slide, founded by Max Levchin. The company range of services it's growing, it seems to be going on a cool direction, and they need good people in their team. :-)
Honest, I did sign an NDA (non disclosure agreement), so I don't know how much about the whole thing and interviewing process I should say. Heh... The whole thing though, was pretty darn cool, as exhausting as it may be. As an experience alone, to be talking and hanging out with the Sylicon Valley guys, right when the 2nd bubble is going on in the craziness of Web 2.0, was just fun. Meeting one of the founders of Paypal, and hear about all this cool projects, meet people who got rich all of a sudden because of the YouTube deal, etc... It's all happening there. You read about this deals, and this people and sites... Here you meet them and hang out with them and see the whole thing more for what it really is...
At slide I bumped into a cool team filled with young passionate people, that know their stuff, and want to make stuff happen. I was lucky too, and happened to be there to celebrate the birthday of one of them, and during a picnic kick-ball game between the guys from Slide and the guys from Yelp.
... What comes next?...
On verais, as they say in French. Will I get a job offer?. I don't know... At this point, I am grateful I lived the experience as it is. If I do get the offer... Some sleepless nights are to come. Will I drop out from the masters?. What happens with my TA contract?, What happens with my apartment's lease and even all my stuff?!... He he he... I didn't realize how settled I am already in Edmonton, until I started thinking that it may be time to leave the place... If the offer is solid enough, it could well be time to move on...
... It's all speculation now though. Tomorrow people from Mexico are visiting, and I hear there may be an interesting job offer for a project that starts Fall 2007, and Monday I meet with my possible new supervisors for the masters, and start working on this new Thesis project, while the Company to which I work in BC, wants me to get more involved with the Flash development in their new generation of products... O.o
AHHHHHHHHHH... All this things going on... I should stop thinking about all this, and plan what I will wear in a few hours for the Halloween party in Edmonton. :-P Now THAT is a short term priority... ;-)
Can't complain though, my life, as I said, is never boring... And having many options and things to chose from, is a much greater problem than been unemployed and without a spot to move on to...
Mmmmh... It may soon be time to close this computer, the plane seems to be getting close to Calgary already.
Cheers people...
Good vibes as usual, and a smile.
Part 4/10. Brugge and horrible drunkness
Coming back from the South, we had a couple of days to hang out in Lille. Albane had a presentation in one of her classes, some school work, and I had the chance to be around her school with my laptop attempting to work. And I say -attempting- because, it seems mostly what I did was writing emails, reading them... Posting... Watching 'comedy central' clips... And... Things of the sort.
When I am not motivated I am a HORRIBLE procrastinator... And honestly, during this time I certainly was. It was 'good' though, it helped me notice something was not quite right. I remembered how, when I really get into something, I can stay working on it for +14 hours... All the way through the night, and really enjoy it. Working hard on a cool project, in a sort of trance and making things happen. This though, only has happened with cool - fun projects, Multimedia, stuff at innox, and back in the Karaokulta days, with Eve and Jeziel the comic making magic... Anyway, then I was motivated... At this time, I wasn't. Heh.
No big deal, Albane really didn't have a lot to do, so she was done early and that gave us the chance to get lost walking around little streets, go for a drink and have cool chats. I took many silly pictures during this times, some with my camera, most with my mind. It was nice to just chill and hang out, watch a TV series and make dinner.
Thursday came along, and with it, Belgium!. :-)
Lille is only about 30 minutes away from Belgium, and Brugge, one of the most beautiful cities ever, is right around the corner. I don't know if Albane had a class or not, I think she kind of skipped it. Heh. Maybe it was Spanish, and she was getting enough practice with me. :-P One way or the other, we went there. For years I had heard about Brugge and how great it was... At first, it didn't seem to match my expectations...
Then, it surpassed them. It only took a little while of walking around and realizing any single corner is picture worth... The architecture is just lovely, all the Chocolateries, the Waffles, and the rivers and canals going through the city. They call it "Venice of the North"... I have never been to Venice, but for the pictures I have seen, I think Brugge beats it. It has that harder medieval look to it, gray and brown and large bricks and walls... Bars, coffee shops, and awesome food. I tried some typical food in a restaurant by the plaza, along with my Belgium Beer... Best times ever.
This time Albane drove, THAT was fun. He he he. After me driving all the time around the South, it was a good change to be just the passenger.
We came back to Lille the same day, and that night Albane arranged to meet some of her cousins. I was nervous... First sort of -meet the family- experience. We were meeting with Vianey, who she totally loves, and I really hoped I could get along with him and his girl. This is kind of how things went...
ARGH...
... HORRIBLE... I was the most horrible, worstest drunken night EVER IN MY LIFE at the end made it all worst... I got ... And the lot of you know, I have had some very interesting ones. But DAMN... I had never felt so sick before. I did drink a lot of beer, but it just hit me in a horrible way. And the green minty liquorsoooooo sick and made such a horrible mess... ** sigh ** ... And not only in her toilet. :-(
At this point I was sure Albane hated me or something like this... I mean, she had the right... But no!, she didn't hate me. She was understanding and patient. Was she happy about it?. Heh... Of course not... But she really didn't give me a hard time, other than in a fun jokingly way. Too bad I wasn't up for jokes... That drunken night was a waste of MOST of my next day...
** sigh ** Anyway... More about that in the next post. But yes, going in the train to Paris was NOT fun while hang over and with my stomach crying with pain and nausea... Heh.
ps. I did have a lot of fun with Albane's cousins, Vianey and Lori Anne (lorianne?) were a lot of fun, cool, and it was a great night altogether. I spoke mostly in French all the time, and was able to do it!. And... Thank God, we all drank so I wasn't the only one. Another time that I meet them, Albane told them how I got and it was the reason of good laughs and pats in the back. Heh... As horrible as the end of the night was, it was a good time with them, and a lovely day in Brugge... Just a bad bad bad way to end it. O.o
When I am not motivated I am a HORRIBLE procrastinator... And honestly, during this time I certainly was. It was 'good' though, it helped me notice something was not quite right. I remembered how, when I really get into something, I can stay working on it for +14 hours... All the way through the night, and really enjoy it. Working hard on a cool project, in a sort of trance and making things happen. This though, only has happened with cool - fun projects, Multimedia, stuff at innox, and back in the Karaokulta days, with Eve and Jeziel the comic making magic... Anyway, then I was motivated... At this time, I wasn't. Heh.
No big deal, Albane really didn't have a lot to do, so she was done early and that gave us the chance to get lost walking around little streets, go for a drink and have cool chats. I took many silly pictures during this times, some with my camera, most with my mind. It was nice to just chill and hang out, watch a TV series and make dinner.
Thursday came along, and with it, Belgium!. :-)
Lille is only about 30 minutes away from Belgium, and Brugge, one of the most beautiful cities ever, is right around the corner. I don't know if Albane had a class or not, I think she kind of skipped it. Heh. Maybe it was Spanish, and she was getting enough practice with me. :-P One way or the other, we went there. For years I had heard about Brugge and how great it was... At first, it didn't seem to match my expectations...
Then, it surpassed them. It only took a little while of walking around and realizing any single corner is picture worth... The architecture is just lovely, all the Chocolateries, the Waffles, and the rivers and canals going through the city. They call it "Venice of the North"... I have never been to Venice, but for the pictures I have seen, I think Brugge beats it. It has that harder medieval look to it, gray and brown and large bricks and walls... Bars, coffee shops, and awesome food. I tried some typical food in a restaurant by the plaza, along with my Belgium Beer... Best times ever.
This time Albane drove, THAT was fun. He he he. After me driving all the time around the South, it was a good change to be just the passenger.
We came back to Lille the same day, and that night Albane arranged to meet some of her cousins. I was nervous... First sort of -meet the family- experience. We were meeting with Vianey, who she totally loves, and I really hoped I could get along with him and his girl. This is kind of how things went...
good idea: meet Albane's cousins.
bad idea: being too nervous about it.
good idea: having a beer with them.
bad idea: having TOO MANY beers with them.
good idea: go back to their place.
bad idea: go back to their place... to KEEP DRINKING.
good idea: go back to Albane's place.
bad idea: not even remembering how I ended up back in her place.
good idea: go to the toilet, to feel 'a tad' better.
bad idea: redecorate albane's apartment with... ehem...
make a mess all over the place...
ARGH...
... HORRIBLE... I was the most horrible, worstest drunken night EVER IN MY LIFE at the end made it all worst... I got ... And the lot of you know, I have had some very interesting ones. But DAMN... I had never felt so sick before. I did drink a lot of beer, but it just hit me in a horrible way. And the green minty liquorsoooooo sick and made such a horrible mess... ** sigh ** ... And not only in her toilet. :-(
At this point I was sure Albane hated me or something like this... I mean, she had the right... But no!, she didn't hate me. She was understanding and patient. Was she happy about it?. Heh... Of course not... But she really didn't give me a hard time, other than in a fun jokingly way. Too bad I wasn't up for jokes... That drunken night was a waste of MOST of my next day...
** sigh ** Anyway... More about that in the next post. But yes, going in the train to Paris was NOT fun while hang over and with my stomach crying with pain and nausea... Heh.
ps. I did have a lot of fun with Albane's cousins, Vianey and Lori Anne (lorianne?) were a lot of fun, cool, and it was a great night altogether. I spoke mostly in French all the time, and was able to do it!. And... Thank God, we all drank so I wasn't the only one. Another time that I meet them, Albane told them how I got and it was the reason of good laughs and pats in the back. Heh... As horrible as the end of the night was, it was a good time with them, and a lovely day in Brugge... Just a bad bad bad way to end it. O.o
Thursday, October 26, 2006
If you are going...
... to San Franciscooooo...
Silly song keeps playing in my head... I am on a plane to San Francisco, and thrilled and nervous. I am applying for a job that, although I am suited for it, it's been a couple of years that I have done something serious in the area. There was a time in which csszengarden was my homepage, and ALA was my daily reading. I liked that stuff!. Yet, lately I have been working more with Flash and all this things... Anyway...
I have read more than I could chew in the past few hours, and slept much less than what I should have for such a round of interviews and jumping around airports. All I can do right now is relax, and hope for the best. Connect with this people and let the best come from this experience. Either way, I am going to a new city for me!, and I am meeting a good old friend... Good times are ahead this next couple of days.
... Heh.
Let's see how this goes.
ps. I am writing this, while on the plane...
The plane is not flying too high, I can see a lot of cool mountains under us, and the Pacific at my right... :-) Coming down from Vancouver to San Francisco, I guess you gotta have the sea as the next seat passenger.
Silly song keeps playing in my head... I am on a plane to San Francisco, and thrilled and nervous. I am applying for a job that, although I am suited for it, it's been a couple of years that I have done something serious in the area. There was a time in which csszengarden was my homepage, and ALA was my daily reading. I liked that stuff!. Yet, lately I have been working more with Flash and all this things... Anyway...
I have read more than I could chew in the past few hours, and slept much less than what I should have for such a round of interviews and jumping around airports. All I can do right now is relax, and hope for the best. Connect with this people and let the best come from this experience. Either way, I am going to a new city for me!, and I am meeting a good old friend... Good times are ahead this next couple of days.
... Heh.
Let's see how this goes.
ps. I am writing this, while on the plane...
The plane is not flying too high, I can see a lot of cool mountains under us, and the Pacific at my right... :-) Coming down from Vancouver to San Francisco, I guess you gotta have the sea as the next seat passenger.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Days of hassle...
Since I came back to Canada, I have felt... Mmmh... A tad stressed. It has been awesome to meet again with great people and friends, hugs, smiles, cheering and singing. As much as I have only been in Canada for a little over a year, coming back felt almost like coming home.
Don't get me started on that though... The concept of 'home' is ever more confusing in my head, all the traveling, and the experiences in all this places with all this people, make a physical home hard to point... Maybe at the end home is, indeed, a state of mind that we carry around with us. A sense of belonging that we allow our selves to feel after a time of recognition, and once we know our way around places... Once we know it's people and we learn to call some of them 'friends'.
The first Karaoke night, last week, I saw all these guys again and ** sigh **. It felt nice... All the hugs, questions and good vibes... Yes yes, I was the center of attention. Heh... But they made me feel welcomed and much less alone.
... Either way, I am floating in a sea of uncertainty... And I DON'T LIKE IT. A chunk of my future is being shaped up during this days, and there are many paths... All of them good and interesting, yet none of the solid just yet. Job opportunities, interesting new directions with my masters, maybe changing departments and supervisors, working more in arts... Getting a job instead?. But my masters!, I have worked so much for it already... Going back to México?, staying in Canada or... USA?!?!... Come on!, after Chigado I said 'i would never live at USA'... I miss France and it's little streets and coffee houses... I miss her.
I have gotten lost in sodoku, heh... And reading Anansi Boys, anything to keep me from thinking, or focusing, on all the confusion happening in my head... My life has, indeed, not been boring in a long time!. Always fun stuff to share and talk about... But really, for once... I crave for certainty and to feel things will be the way they are at least for a few months...
... sigh...
By the way, tomorrow I am going to San Francisco for a job interview!... I am NERVOUS... Scared, excited... Thanks Sergio, no matter what happens, thanks!
See?... A LOT... a lot going on... And life seems to, well, it will be like this for a tad... Until I finish my masters I guess, and decide on the step to follow... The country, the job... ** sigh **. I guess I better get used to uncertainty... I have the feeling that, later on in life, I may miss it.
cheers!
ps. I will keep posting about France!... Promise. I just needed to vent and let all this out...
Don't get me started on that though... The concept of 'home' is ever more confusing in my head, all the traveling, and the experiences in all this places with all this people, make a physical home hard to point... Maybe at the end home is, indeed, a state of mind that we carry around with us. A sense of belonging that we allow our selves to feel after a time of recognition, and once we know our way around places... Once we know it's people and we learn to call some of them 'friends'.
The first Karaoke night, last week, I saw all these guys again and ** sigh **. It felt nice... All the hugs, questions and good vibes... Yes yes, I was the center of attention. Heh... But they made me feel welcomed and much less alone.
... Either way, I am floating in a sea of uncertainty... And I DON'T LIKE IT. A chunk of my future is being shaped up during this days, and there are many paths... All of them good and interesting, yet none of the solid just yet. Job opportunities, interesting new directions with my masters, maybe changing departments and supervisors, working more in arts... Getting a job instead?. But my masters!, I have worked so much for it already... Going back to México?, staying in Canada or... USA?!?!... Come on!, after Chigado I said 'i would never live at USA'... I miss France and it's little streets and coffee houses... I miss her.
I have gotten lost in sodoku, heh... And reading Anansi Boys, anything to keep me from thinking, or focusing, on all the confusion happening in my head... My life has, indeed, not been boring in a long time!. Always fun stuff to share and talk about... But really, for once... I crave for certainty and to feel things will be the way they are at least for a few months...
... sigh...
By the way, tomorrow I am going to San Francisco for a job interview!... I am NERVOUS... Scared, excited... Thanks Sergio, no matter what happens, thanks!
See?... A LOT... a lot going on... And life seems to, well, it will be like this for a tad... Until I finish my masters I guess, and decide on the step to follow... The country, the job... ** sigh **. I guess I better get used to uncertainty... I have the feeling that, later on in life, I may miss it.
cheers!
ps. I will keep posting about France!... Promise. I just needed to vent and let all this out...
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Part 3/10. Chilling in the French Riviera...
The title of this post sounds cool... Well, because it was. France seems to be a country that just has enough of everything, and in good quality. From forest, to beaches, to mountains with snow, passing through Cosmopolitan cities and cute little towns.
Or... "almost" cute little towns. What turns this places into hellholes is the driving bit. Driving down the South of France defies logic, and the way things happen although they shouldn't is enough material for a tale by Michael Ende... Maybe, he was thinking about France when he wrote about that small car that had it's garage inside, since it's so hard to find parking spots.
Roads are small... Very small... One car can have a hard time fitting through it... BUT... There are many cars, coming BOTH WAYS... Not only this, but for some reason people decided to set a coffee shop right next to the road, and there is always someone that thinks its a great idea to sit almost in the middle of the road to have an espresso and smoke... O.o
So, you are driving next to a cliff, in a very small road, while a huge truck is coming towards you... And then?... PUM... Magic... It works out and traffic flows. Of course, this kept me stressed... But not as stressed as Albane I am guessing... Heh... Sometimes I didn't know if I was more scared of the road and traffic, or the way Albane reacted to it... sigh. Girls!.
...
Anyway... We took the TGV to get to the south, and in Aix en Provence, we were to head down to the town where our hotel was. We arrived too late though, and had to spend the night in Aix... This was quite complex, since we had no hotel, and they all seemed to be booked. Yet, a great lady helped us, walked us to a section with many hotels, and we had good luck in one. It was all booked, but the manager was very kind and called several until he got us a room and a way to get there. Then I realized French people are actually nice and kind!. He he he.
The next day, we took off to Fayence. We stayed in a beautiful place, actually we stayed here. There was a great spa section, beautiful pool, fancy bar and restaurant area, etc. Our place was big, like a small house, with two floors, bathrooms, rooms, living room and general fanciness. Lovely little spot. Besides, we rented a car... So we drove around many places almost every day.
Now is when this post can become "too much"... Since I remember fun little details from each of these days. So, I should just say it was good times. Good times to be around all this places, surrounded by Vineyards, sunny days and blue skies. We were around Grasse, Cannes, Nice, St. Tropez... Driving was nice because of the landscapes, and each of this cities has a special flavor and I keep great memories from all.
It was cool as well to do grocery shopping with Albane, cooking, and all this things. Just get to know her so much. Being together 24-7, just the two of us, driving and all, made us really get to know each other more, and it was cool. It wasn't always great, as it is bound to happen in human relations... But things always ran smoothly, and petite conflicts where solved.
I tried awesome food, and had great times. Of all the places, I believe I liked Cannes the most. Although I wish we have had more time in Aix en Provence... Cannes was fun, I liked the sea, the beach, the place and the vibe... We had good food, coffee, and later in the evening a beer. The place is fancy, of course, but nice and cool too.
Nice is lovely, but the beach has waaaay too many stones, he he he... I liked the walkway along the beach. And St. Tropez?... Great crepes... And nice little town, yet... Too much for me. I didn't feel relaxed, or that I could just chill or enjoy it. It is very superficial, and very money centered... Good for some, not for me. We went to a beach in there though that was fun... Heh. Nice place, and a couple was doing "interesting" stuff in a sort of floating platform right out in the open, in front of the beach... He he he. That was amusing.
The last day was rainy, we had much laundry stuff to do, and we really had not enjoyed being in a Spa resort for all the traveling every day... So we decided to stay inside and use the Aquarama... Best times ever. Being in such a nice relaxed place is great by itself, being in such place with her?... Nice, chilling, relaxing, but add sexy too. ;-)
... the time came to come back... Check out, drop back the car, and head back to Lille... It was sad!. We had such a good time, and just really close and intimate... It felt great... During this came, Albane became a great real woman for me. She was no longer a concept, or the girl I had conceived in my head... I knew her more, together with all her little quirks that drove me insane... At the same time, I knew all this little things that I found cute and adorable...
I wasn't only getting to know France... I was getting to know her... ^__^
The memories of the places, the corners, the imagery, scents and tastes are great... The memories of her smiles, and eyes, and good times, little laughs and even little arguments, are great too... And, the real magic of this week stays in those details... And really, I wouldn't know how to put them in words...
How to write about what it feels to be walking among fields with real lavender, and the scent in the air?... Holding her hand?... The little silly joy of buying groceries and laughing as we make some stupid joke about lettuce, or just how nice it felt to chill in the sofa, while having wine and watching some TV... How going to bed every night next to her...
Yes... I really don't know how to write all this down properly... So I will stop the post here... And think more... Maybe, I will edit if the 'inspiration fairy' hits me in a better way... Either way, South of France, great memories and smiles.
Or... "almost" cute little towns. What turns this places into hellholes is the driving bit. Driving down the South of France defies logic, and the way things happen although they shouldn't is enough material for a tale by Michael Ende... Maybe, he was thinking about France when he wrote about that small car that had it's garage inside, since it's so hard to find parking spots.
Roads are small... Very small... One car can have a hard time fitting through it... BUT... There are many cars, coming BOTH WAYS... Not only this, but for some reason people decided to set a coffee shop right next to the road, and there is always someone that thinks its a great idea to sit almost in the middle of the road to have an espresso and smoke... O.o
So, you are driving next to a cliff, in a very small road, while a huge truck is coming towards you... And then?... PUM... Magic... It works out and traffic flows. Of course, this kept me stressed... But not as stressed as Albane I am guessing... Heh... Sometimes I didn't know if I was more scared of the road and traffic, or the way Albane reacted to it... sigh. Girls!.
...
Anyway... We took the TGV to get to the south, and in Aix en Provence, we were to head down to the town where our hotel was. We arrived too late though, and had to spend the night in Aix... This was quite complex, since we had no hotel, and they all seemed to be booked. Yet, a great lady helped us, walked us to a section with many hotels, and we had good luck in one. It was all booked, but the manager was very kind and called several until he got us a room and a way to get there. Then I realized French people are actually nice and kind!. He he he.
The next day, we took off to Fayence. We stayed in a beautiful place, actually we stayed here. There was a great spa section, beautiful pool, fancy bar and restaurant area, etc. Our place was big, like a small house, with two floors, bathrooms, rooms, living room and general fanciness. Lovely little spot. Besides, we rented a car... So we drove around many places almost every day.
Now is when this post can become "too much"... Since I remember fun little details from each of these days. So, I should just say it was good times. Good times to be around all this places, surrounded by Vineyards, sunny days and blue skies. We were around Grasse, Cannes, Nice, St. Tropez... Driving was nice because of the landscapes, and each of this cities has a special flavor and I keep great memories from all.
It was cool as well to do grocery shopping with Albane, cooking, and all this things. Just get to know her so much. Being together 24-7, just the two of us, driving and all, made us really get to know each other more, and it was cool. It wasn't always great, as it is bound to happen in human relations... But things always ran smoothly, and petite conflicts where solved.
I tried awesome food, and had great times. Of all the places, I believe I liked Cannes the most. Although I wish we have had more time in Aix en Provence... Cannes was fun, I liked the sea, the beach, the place and the vibe... We had good food, coffee, and later in the evening a beer. The place is fancy, of course, but nice and cool too.
Nice is lovely, but the beach has waaaay too many stones, he he he... I liked the walkway along the beach. And St. Tropez?... Great crepes... And nice little town, yet... Too much for me. I didn't feel relaxed, or that I could just chill or enjoy it. It is very superficial, and very money centered... Good for some, not for me. We went to a beach in there though that was fun... Heh. Nice place, and a couple was doing "interesting" stuff in a sort of floating platform right out in the open, in front of the beach... He he he. That was amusing.
The last day was rainy, we had much laundry stuff to do, and we really had not enjoyed being in a Spa resort for all the traveling every day... So we decided to stay inside and use the Aquarama... Best times ever. Being in such a nice relaxed place is great by itself, being in such place with her?... Nice, chilling, relaxing, but add sexy too. ;-)
... the time came to come back... Check out, drop back the car, and head back to Lille... It was sad!. We had such a good time, and just really close and intimate... It felt great... During this came, Albane became a great real woman for me. She was no longer a concept, or the girl I had conceived in my head... I knew her more, together with all her little quirks that drove me insane... At the same time, I knew all this little things that I found cute and adorable...
I wasn't only getting to know France... I was getting to know her... ^__^
The memories of the places, the corners, the imagery, scents and tastes are great... The memories of her smiles, and eyes, and good times, little laughs and even little arguments, are great too... And, the real magic of this week stays in those details... And really, I wouldn't know how to put them in words...
How to write about what it feels to be walking among fields with real lavender, and the scent in the air?... Holding her hand?... The little silly joy of buying groceries and laughing as we make some stupid joke about lettuce, or just how nice it felt to chill in the sofa, while having wine and watching some TV... How going to bed every night next to her...
Yes... I really don't know how to write all this down properly... So I will stop the post here... And think more... Maybe, I will edit if the 'inspiration fairy' hits me in a better way... Either way, South of France, great memories and smiles.
Part 2/10. The long dreamt hug...
Distance is merciless with love... And it makes a great job destroying relationships. Yet, sometimes distance makes hearts grow fonder of each other and closer together. And that "freedom" to explore, makes you realize you don't really want something else... Distance as well, makes you create an idealized version of the loved one... She (or he), becomes a beautiful concept of your day dreams...
... I was not worried about how tired I may look, and the whole jet-lag thing... At this point, after 10 hours sitting on a plane, I was quite aware I smelled funny and was not in my best shape... I didn't mind.
I was worried about the clash between the Albane of my dreams, and the one I was about to have in front... I had been with the Albane from dreamland and my spacing out times for almost 5 months, while the "real" one I got to be around just a couple in Canada... The "idea" versus the "materia" Albane where about to have a rendez-vous.
Came out of the plane... Everything in french. Hearing the microphones giving directions in french made me smile so much, and realize that yes... I was in France. I smiled, even more, because I could understand everything. I said to my self "maybe this past months self-teaching me french will come in handy".
Heart started to pound stronger... Faster.
She would be across that big door after baggage claim...
breath in...
breath out...
chill...
go to the bathroom, shape up a tad...
brush those teeth
...
You have the luggage... Just freaking cross that door!
... I did.
She wasn't there... My plane was earlier, her train was to arrive in a few minutes.
Tic... Tac... HORRIBLE WAIT AND ANTICIPATION...
I dreamt so much about this moment, how will it feel?. How will it match my expectations?...
Tic... Tac...
OMG... Here she comes!...
Damn, she's hot... This feels weird, she is smiling at me...
... HUG... Hug?... I AM HUGGING HER... awwwww
... sigh ...
Yes... It felt weird. I had been "warned" by many of how this happens after time of separation, the very first time of meeting again, is like an ackward shock...
Tic... tac... Ackwardness wearing off... Having her head against my shoulder on the train feels great. Her smile is even better on real person, and my hands still match hers when they hold.
Back in her place... Ackwardness?... Meh... It felt as nice, and logical and natural, as it had felt before... And even better, with the excitement of being together. The excitement of being in France...
... The excitement of being with her in her bed... Jet lag?... Well... I guess I wasn't that tired. ;-)
...
I arrived in a Sunday at 3:00 pm... We had time to chill, relax, eat something... Had a good chat, walk, and time to lay together in bed and smile... It really was sweet to be there, feeling problems far away, and just enjoying the scent of her hair and the look of her eyes. You know how eyes smile?... Hers do in a pretty cool way.
Monday was my time to get acquainted with Lille and it's downtown... Albane's school, and know some of the people in her life. It was cool since she was introducing me around, and people would be like "ah!, you are Héctor from México!, that is why Albane is smiling so much!". I had heard so much about her school, friends, and all this places where she works or eats... Now, walking around them for real, had quite the surreal taste.
In downtown we had a beer... It was an altogether cool relaxing day, cooking some dinner and enjoying being around each other... IT WAS GREAT.
The next day?... Ok!... Time to take off to the South of France and quite the adventure for almost a week!...
... I was not worried about how tired I may look, and the whole jet-lag thing... At this point, after 10 hours sitting on a plane, I was quite aware I smelled funny and was not in my best shape... I didn't mind.
I was worried about the clash between the Albane of my dreams, and the one I was about to have in front... I had been with the Albane from dreamland and my spacing out times for almost 5 months, while the "real" one I got to be around just a couple in Canada... The "idea" versus the "materia" Albane where about to have a rendez-vous.
Came out of the plane... Everything in french. Hearing the microphones giving directions in french made me smile so much, and realize that yes... I was in France. I smiled, even more, because I could understand everything. I said to my self "maybe this past months self-teaching me french will come in handy".
Heart started to pound stronger... Faster.
She would be across that big door after baggage claim...
breath in...
breath out...
chill...
go to the bathroom, shape up a tad...
brush those teeth
...
You have the luggage... Just freaking cross that door!
... I did.
She wasn't there... My plane was earlier, her train was to arrive in a few minutes.
Tic... Tac... HORRIBLE WAIT AND ANTICIPATION...
I dreamt so much about this moment, how will it feel?. How will it match my expectations?...
Tic... Tac...
OMG... Here she comes!...
Damn, she's hot... This feels weird, she is smiling at me...
... HUG... Hug?... I AM HUGGING HER... awwwww
... sigh ...
Yes... It felt weird. I had been "warned" by many of how this happens after time of separation, the very first time of meeting again, is like an ackward shock...
Tic... tac... Ackwardness wearing off... Having her head against my shoulder on the train feels great. Her smile is even better on real person, and my hands still match hers when they hold.
Back in her place... Ackwardness?... Meh... It felt as nice, and logical and natural, as it had felt before... And even better, with the excitement of being together. The excitement of being in France...
... The excitement of being with her in her bed... Jet lag?... Well... I guess I wasn't that tired. ;-)
...
I arrived in a Sunday at 3:00 pm... We had time to chill, relax, eat something... Had a good chat, walk, and time to lay together in bed and smile... It really was sweet to be there, feeling problems far away, and just enjoying the scent of her hair and the look of her eyes. You know how eyes smile?... Hers do in a pretty cool way.
Monday was my time to get acquainted with Lille and it's downtown... Albane's school, and know some of the people in her life. It was cool since she was introducing me around, and people would be like "ah!, you are Héctor from México!, that is why Albane is smiling so much!". I had heard so much about her school, friends, and all this places where she works or eats... Now, walking around them for real, had quite the surreal taste.
In downtown we had a beer... It was an altogether cool relaxing day, cooking some dinner and enjoying being around each other... IT WAS GREAT.
The next day?... Ok!... Time to take off to the South of France and quite the adventure for almost a week!...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Alors, my time in France
Part 1/10. The motivation...
Europe has a special energy, understood only by those who had let themselves get lost in it's streets and vibrations. Europe is, indeed, a place worth visiting regardless ulterior motives... So is France. But me?, I did have ulterior motives: France maybe a great visiting spot, but for me it was about a girl.
As I said before, that story was far from over... I had to travel to discover the next few chapters in that book of my life...
What did it take?. Focus intensively on learning french (I still suck), working like crazy to make money, and balance an unprecedented number of details so that being in Europe wouldn't be a horrible thing while I was supposed to, well... Not be in Europe and doing many important things for my department and research.
Talked to people, made commitments, made agreements, had someone covering, and had people getting mad at me... I discovered I have a great knack for diplomacy and negotiation!... Heh. Anyway... The main thing is, I never took my coming as a "choice". I was coming, for sure, so the rest had to accommodate around that. It was the only way to make it happen!... Sounds easier than it is.
On the other hand... Staying in touch with Albane... That was really no work at all... That was plain pleasure, talking to her, hearing her voice and laughing together... When Albane left to France, I did think she would just forget about me... Go back to the old continent, to her old life, and leave silly Mexican behind... It was far from that.
We were in love when she left... As much as we said that we were free, and that we may just meet someone else... Etc... Words talked about freedom and letting go, and becoming each other's nice memories... But actions kept us "together" in a very cool way. The way we related to each other, the frequency of our conversations and her presence in my mind, made me want to see her as soon as I could.
That meant September, just a little after she was done with her internship.
For the sake of my "memoirs", I have to say... At some point, I was going to cancel the trip, and this was a period of great anxiety. I don't want to dwell on the reasons, but I just felt, for a while, that maybe it was better to acknowledge that as great as the idea seemed, there may be the chance that leaving the book unfinished and the last chapters unexplored was the better thing to do.
... You know me. Yes there is a "safe" zone... But that one has never seemed interesting.
One way or the other... I got on that plane to Europe leaving a lot of crap behind and unattended... I wanted to see her... I was going to.
Europe has a special energy, understood only by those who had let themselves get lost in it's streets and vibrations. Europe is, indeed, a place worth visiting regardless ulterior motives... So is France. But me?, I did have ulterior motives: France maybe a great visiting spot, but for me it was about a girl.
As I said before, that story was far from over... I had to travel to discover the next few chapters in that book of my life...
What did it take?. Focus intensively on learning french (I still suck), working like crazy to make money, and balance an unprecedented number of details so that being in Europe wouldn't be a horrible thing while I was supposed to, well... Not be in Europe and doing many important things for my department and research.
Talked to people, made commitments, made agreements, had someone covering, and had people getting mad at me... I discovered I have a great knack for diplomacy and negotiation!... Heh. Anyway... The main thing is, I never took my coming as a "choice". I was coming, for sure, so the rest had to accommodate around that. It was the only way to make it happen!... Sounds easier than it is.
On the other hand... Staying in touch with Albane... That was really no work at all... That was plain pleasure, talking to her, hearing her voice and laughing together... When Albane left to France, I did think she would just forget about me... Go back to the old continent, to her old life, and leave silly Mexican behind... It was far from that.
We were in love when she left... As much as we said that we were free, and that we may just meet someone else... Etc... Words talked about freedom and letting go, and becoming each other's nice memories... But actions kept us "together" in a very cool way. The way we related to each other, the frequency of our conversations and her presence in my mind, made me want to see her as soon as I could.
That meant September, just a little after she was done with her internship.
For the sake of my "memoirs", I have to say... At some point, I was going to cancel the trip, and this was a period of great anxiety. I don't want to dwell on the reasons, but I just felt, for a while, that maybe it was better to acknowledge that as great as the idea seemed, there may be the chance that leaving the book unfinished and the last chapters unexplored was the better thing to do.
... You know me. Yes there is a "safe" zone... But that one has never seemed interesting.
One way or the other... I got on that plane to Europe leaving a lot of crap behind and unattended... I wanted to see her... I was going to.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Back...
I am back in Edmonton...
Back in Canada... The flight back was weird, and surreal... I stayed awake all the time, I flew all the time with "sun" and... Experienced the longest day in my life. Really... The jet lag hits much harder from Europe to Canada... The other way around, there is at least night time and all... I do feel very very tired... But I try to stay awake... I think the best way to deal with jet lag is to just "fuck it" and sleep normal sleeping times in Canada... Heh...
We will see...
... Being back feels weird. We are in -2, it is snowing, and there is so much crap to get done and to deal with... It feels like a hit of real life and just... I need to figure out stuff regarding work, regarding my masters... Regarding my spot in life in general I guess.
I don't want to write much about France, and how I feel right now about it. I will write all this posts about things, as they happened... And the fun and experiences I had every week. By now, of course, I know how it all went... And it's tempting to just rant about it... But, I better wait. It will be worth it to have it all, in detail, written down. I can look back to it later on and smile.
Am I happy to be back? I don't know... I really knew I just needed to get my act together, and get stuff done... And I couldn't while in France... There is a lot of great people here that I missed, and that wanted to see... That wanted to see me.
But... I miss being there... Or I guess, what I really miss is her.
Back in Canada... The flight back was weird, and surreal... I stayed awake all the time, I flew all the time with "sun" and... Experienced the longest day in my life. Really... The jet lag hits much harder from Europe to Canada... The other way around, there is at least night time and all... I do feel very very tired... But I try to stay awake... I think the best way to deal with jet lag is to just "fuck it" and sleep normal sleeping times in Canada... Heh...
We will see...
... Being back feels weird. We are in -2, it is snowing, and there is so much crap to get done and to deal with... It feels like a hit of real life and just... I need to figure out stuff regarding work, regarding my masters... Regarding my spot in life in general I guess.
I don't want to write much about France, and how I feel right now about it. I will write all this posts about things, as they happened... And the fun and experiences I had every week. By now, of course, I know how it all went... And it's tempting to just rant about it... But, I better wait. It will be worth it to have it all, in detail, written down. I can look back to it later on and smile.
Am I happy to be back? I don't know... I really knew I just needed to get my act together, and get stuff done... And I couldn't while in France... There is a lot of great people here that I missed, and that wanted to see... That wanted to see me.
But... I miss being there... Or I guess, what I really miss is her.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Sweet intoxication
Sores down my esophagus, reminders of an ever increasing gastritis... It hurts, not a lot, but enough to tell me something is wrong. Sometimes as I walk, it clings to its painful ways yelling -you are not taking care of me!- and making me twitch an eye and think twice what I am about to do...
I don't get to think twice... I just do it and it tastes like heaven.
Sweet denial.
Why almost everything that is good can A) kill you, B) make you sick, or C) cause addiction?... Why are the real good things, usually, imply "all of the above"?...
Whatever... This coffee tastes good.
Somethings, indeed, will be worth missing from France... The one bad thing is that their coffee, as strong and great tasting as it is, forever comes in too small presentations. Maybe it's meant to be taken seriously? In smaller intakes and all?... Maybe... But mine was over all too soon... F**K it, I'm getting another one.
... Cheers.
[UPDATE] Damn it... I needed a third coffee... Now I am really worried about how my intestines will want to pay back my kindness to them. O.o
I don't get to think twice... I just do it and it tastes like heaven.
Sweet denial.
Why almost everything that is good can A) kill you, B) make you sick, or C) cause addiction?... Why are the real good things, usually, imply "all of the above"?...
Whatever... This coffee tastes good.
Somethings, indeed, will be worth missing from France... The one bad thing is that their coffee, as strong and great tasting as it is, forever comes in too small presentations. Maybe it's meant to be taken seriously? In smaller intakes and all?... Maybe... But mine was over all too soon... F**K it, I'm getting another one.
... Cheers.
[UPDATE] Damn it... I needed a third coffee... Now I am really worried about how my intestines will want to pay back my kindness to them. O.o
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Very soon I will be
leaving France...
I have a couple of nights left here... And then?. Go back to "who knows what?"... I, my self, really don't know... Thinking has been doing no good to me... At least in the sense that I feel there is a lot of change coming on this year, and there are only a couple of months left on it.
I don't know what is going to happen in my romantic life, as much as I don't know what will happen with my masters, job... And... Freaking future in general. This are times of reflection, that will lead to change... And those wheels of change are already moving... Emails are being sent, options explored...
All of a sudden I realize that, indeed, I am growing up... I can't afford to be playing around about my life and goals so much, life will catch up (or already is doing so), and I want to feel I am in the right track... This "jack of all trades", jumping around projects, and eternal feeling of uneasiness and lack of belonging is getting to me... I am searching for the path where I belong... I need to focus and really get into something, to really get somewhere...
Really, enough about drifting aimlessly in the sea, buying into the dreams of others, and jumping from motivation to motivation... I need to get my act together. For my sake.
... So much to share about that, alone...
France?... ** sigh **
Yes... About that too.
I have a couple of nights left here... And then?. Go back to "who knows what?"... I, my self, really don't know... Thinking has been doing no good to me... At least in the sense that I feel there is a lot of change coming on this year, and there are only a couple of months left on it.
I don't know what is going to happen in my romantic life, as much as I don't know what will happen with my masters, job... And... Freaking future in general. This are times of reflection, that will lead to change... And those wheels of change are already moving... Emails are being sent, options explored...
All of a sudden I realize that, indeed, I am growing up... I can't afford to be playing around about my life and goals so much, life will catch up (or already is doing so), and I want to feel I am in the right track... This "jack of all trades", jumping around projects, and eternal feeling of uneasiness and lack of belonging is getting to me... I am searching for the path where I belong... I need to focus and really get into something, to really get somewhere...
Really, enough about drifting aimlessly in the sea, buying into the dreams of others, and jumping from motivation to motivation... I need to get my act together. For my sake.
... So much to share about that, alone...
France?... ** sigh **
Yes... About that too.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
And the last, about that conversation
with Tomas the other day... Well, it turned out into a philosophical debate about love, and motivations for us humans. But it really started with another interesting question:
"Why do women seem to be much better, and faster, at forgetting and letting go?"
... How come we ended up talking about God in that one talk?. Well, good conversations usually go like that. Hardly ever one tracked and to the point. But still... Why?. It really does seem that women, in terms of relationships, can very easily just move on.
When it comes down to it, the dude can be suffering and in pain, while the girl is out there having fun. The guy's pain grows bigger because, all of a sudden, it seems the girl doesn't even care!. It seems all those promises of eternal love, and all those memories shared, are all of a sudden wiped out of her memory and she can be like nothing ever happened...
While the guy is crying over a picture of her, and depressed every time they play "their song" on the radio... She walks around with a smile in school, and looks great and light, and with no problems whatsoever. Years later, the dude can be getting drunk and still talk about her. Years later, she may say "ah yes!, I dated that guy for a while".
I said that it would be interesting to see if, indeed, girls did better when it came down to treating drug addictions. Do women recover faster than man from an addiction to cocaine for example?. Do less women "fall back" into the addiction after being clean?. IF they do... It may be that women just, get rid of all the toxins "love" creates in our brain faster.
Love, and a lot of what it makes us feel, at the end, may just be chemicals in our brain... Chemicals produced by us, and stimulus we present to our mind. Love like a drug can make us feel good, and a kiss, or looking at a picture of the loved one, can make us produce this "sweet toxins". Then, once the relationship is over, this same pictures reminds us of what we DON'T have anymore... And then we produce the "bitter toxins", the ones that makes us sad, jealous and depressed... That makes us realize we are missing something...
(We could do much better if, in general, we didn't produce this toxins I guess).
The point is... If the whole "chemical" explanation is not good enough, and there is a higher more interesting reason behind it, I am clueless...
Why do girls seem better at letting go?...
And... Is is true at all, do you girls think that is BS and non-true?. Most of the "suffering love songs" come from guys... I think. Girls seem to be able to love truly and deeply quite a number of guys. Guys though, seem to be much more "serious" about their love affairs... They take the "L" world with more weight, not because of fear to the word... But because they know that, once we fall in love... We really do.
... Mmmh... I don't know. I am a guy, I have a biased opinion.
Damn...
"Why do women seem to be much better, and faster, at forgetting and letting go?"
... How come we ended up talking about God in that one talk?. Well, good conversations usually go like that. Hardly ever one tracked and to the point. But still... Why?. It really does seem that women, in terms of relationships, can very easily just move on.
When it comes down to it, the dude can be suffering and in pain, while the girl is out there having fun. The guy's pain grows bigger because, all of a sudden, it seems the girl doesn't even care!. It seems all those promises of eternal love, and all those memories shared, are all of a sudden wiped out of her memory and she can be like nothing ever happened...
While the guy is crying over a picture of her, and depressed every time they play "their song" on the radio... She walks around with a smile in school, and looks great and light, and with no problems whatsoever. Years later, the dude can be getting drunk and still talk about her. Years later, she may say "ah yes!, I dated that guy for a while".
I said that it would be interesting to see if, indeed, girls did better when it came down to treating drug addictions. Do women recover faster than man from an addiction to cocaine for example?. Do less women "fall back" into the addiction after being clean?. IF they do... It may be that women just, get rid of all the toxins "love" creates in our brain faster.
Love, and a lot of what it makes us feel, at the end, may just be chemicals in our brain... Chemicals produced by us, and stimulus we present to our mind. Love like a drug can make us feel good, and a kiss, or looking at a picture of the loved one, can make us produce this "sweet toxins". Then, once the relationship is over, this same pictures reminds us of what we DON'T have anymore... And then we produce the "bitter toxins", the ones that makes us sad, jealous and depressed... That makes us realize we are missing something...
(We could do much better if, in general, we didn't produce this toxins I guess).
The point is... If the whole "chemical" explanation is not good enough, and there is a higher more interesting reason behind it, I am clueless...
Why do girls seem better at letting go?...
And... Is is true at all, do you girls think that is BS and non-true?. Most of the "suffering love songs" come from guys... I think. Girls seem to be able to love truly and deeply quite a number of guys. Guys though, seem to be much more "serious" about their love affairs... They take the "L" world with more weight, not because of fear to the word... But because they know that, once we fall in love... We really do.
... Mmmh... I don't know. I am a guy, I have a biased opinion.
Damn...
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Ok, some follow through...
Where does Love come from then, and at what point did evolution or natured decided it was good to keep around?. From an anthropological, evolution point of view, love is none-sense. It makes you dreamy, worried, and spaced out... Not very productive!. The "lovey" ones I bet, would be the first to die out in the field since they were singing in their minds... Love is not a device or the strongest or the fittest... Or is it?.
... Then... We go on to artists... Evolution?... Mmmh. Artist are hardly ever the athletic type. They tend to be somewhat shy, introvert in their ways, and with a "need" to express their ideas in quite impractical ways, for example painting, writing, singing, etc... What makes a bunch of humans get together and create a choir?. What "survival" feature draws them to do this, and why would an artist keep going in the "survival of the fittest" world?.
Sometimes great writers and musicians become so, because they are weak, un-athletic and even sick kids... Such "features" extract them from the games of their peers in the playground, and turns them into music, art, and this world that welcomes them and keeps offering them wonders. (That was kind of my case, if you were wondering).
So, in the gene-pool game... Why would and spaced out-minded make it?... No, really...
Things like this, and the existence of Chihuahua dogs, makes me have serious questions about evolution and the "survival of the fittest" idea.
Love does bring a higher meaning into our life... It brings a sense of transcendence and makes us greater than ourselves. Art, at the end, does kind of the same thing...
Tomás and I ended up talking about the need to transcend to feel greater than ourselves... Etc... All this are feelings and senses of knowledge and self that, at the end, I cannot justify from a practical point of view in terms of surviving in the jungle. This of course, leads us to eventually talk about Prometheo, the bringer of fire, Hermes and that Serpent that made Adam and Even taste knowledge... We end up talking about Magick and a "bringer" of light, we come up with God.
... And God... Well, that is quite another topic, maybe worth a dozen posts, and maybe too tiresome to discuss in general. Is God something we invented, and necessary as long as we don't have all the answers?. Is God there watching us, and indeed created us and love and such things to make the game of life all much more interesting?...
If God is just a human invention, then maybe so is love... Maybe love is just one invention like the wheel... Just much less practical.
At the end, love is one of the finest strongest drugs, with some of the sweetest "high" ecstatic states in our minds, and some of the most horrible and painful side effects. We suffer from it's withdrawal, and we quench our thrist for meaning on it's presence.. Love at the end may be pointless from an evolution point of view... Love may not have a practical reason in life... But it does indeed make life worth living now and then...
Only now and then...
... Then... We go on to artists... Evolution?... Mmmh. Artist are hardly ever the athletic type. They tend to be somewhat shy, introvert in their ways, and with a "need" to express their ideas in quite impractical ways, for example painting, writing, singing, etc... What makes a bunch of humans get together and create a choir?. What "survival" feature draws them to do this, and why would an artist keep going in the "survival of the fittest" world?.
Sometimes great writers and musicians become so, because they are weak, un-athletic and even sick kids... Such "features" extract them from the games of their peers in the playground, and turns them into music, art, and this world that welcomes them and keeps offering them wonders. (That was kind of my case, if you were wondering).
So, in the gene-pool game... Why would and spaced out-minded make it?... No, really...
Things like this, and the existence of Chihuahua dogs, makes me have serious questions about evolution and the "survival of the fittest" idea.
Love does bring a higher meaning into our life... It brings a sense of transcendence and makes us greater than ourselves. Art, at the end, does kind of the same thing...
Tomás and I ended up talking about the need to transcend to feel greater than ourselves... Etc... All this are feelings and senses of knowledge and self that, at the end, I cannot justify from a practical point of view in terms of surviving in the jungle. This of course, leads us to eventually talk about Prometheo, the bringer of fire, Hermes and that Serpent that made Adam and Even taste knowledge... We end up talking about Magick and a "bringer" of light, we come up with God.
... And God... Well, that is quite another topic, maybe worth a dozen posts, and maybe too tiresome to discuss in general. Is God something we invented, and necessary as long as we don't have all the answers?. Is God there watching us, and indeed created us and love and such things to make the game of life all much more interesting?...
If God is just a human invention, then maybe so is love... Maybe love is just one invention like the wheel... Just much less practical.
At the end, love is one of the finest strongest drugs, with some of the sweetest "high" ecstatic states in our minds, and some of the most horrible and painful side effects. We suffer from it's withdrawal, and we quench our thrist for meaning on it's presence.. Love at the end may be pointless from an evolution point of view... Love may not have a practical reason in life... But it does indeed make life worth living now and then...
Only now and then...
Monday, October 09, 2006
About my time in France...
I am getting ready a series a posts talking about my trip to France... The "problem" is that... It seems it's going to be quite a lot. I am coming up with an outline, and being "brief" yet talking about everything, It will be at least 10 posts!!!... O.o
So... Je suis vraiment desolee. It will take little by little to share the whole thing. But It will be interesting, I promise. It's a series of posts filled with angst, love, anticipation and realization, passion and disappointment, laughs, fears, smiles and hugs... Tears, motivations and reflections...
At the end, a series of posts about Love... And what would move a Mexican dude, studying in Canada, to leave everything behind and travel across the sea... Even if it was just to say good-bye in person.
Was it?...
... So much to say, little by little... I will try to keep the magic of each moment as it was then, not tainted about what preceded. Alas, enough talking about what I will or may say later on... More into actually writing about it, yet... On the mean time, the focus is on living the whole thing.
... Cheers. And as always, a bunch of good vibes.
So... Je suis vraiment desolee. It will take little by little to share the whole thing. But It will be interesting, I promise. It's a series of posts filled with angst, love, anticipation and realization, passion and disappointment, laughs, fears, smiles and hugs... Tears, motivations and reflections...
At the end, a series of posts about Love... And what would move a Mexican dude, studying in Canada, to leave everything behind and travel across the sea... Even if it was just to say good-bye in person.
Was it?...
... So much to say, little by little... I will try to keep the magic of each moment as it was then, not tainted about what preceded. Alas, enough talking about what I will or may say later on... More into actually writing about it, yet... On the mean time, the focus is on living the whole thing.
... Cheers. And as always, a bunch of good vibes.
I had a very good
chat with Tomas the other day. One of those that start all of a sudden, and as usual are too brief. Still... It was interesting. We can justify many things from an anthropological point of view, the evolution of man and why we do such and such. Our "need" and excitement for sports, and even the joy of video games, are traced to the days when we all lived in caves.
At that point, hunters would have a good killing and would feed everyone for a while. While they were done hunting they could A) Rest, B) Play some game or C) Keep hunting more. Hunting was quite dangerous then, and you were bound to be killed of it eventually. The ones that kept on hunting on and on, had their days quite counted... (That means they died along with their gene pool). The ones that rested?... Well, they did so a lot... They were not fast enough when it came down to it, and those huge saber tooth got the best of them (and of their gene pool).
The ones that played games?... Throwing stones and spears to stuff?, running?, that kept their muscles working yet in a safe environment?. Those made it... We come from thus... Our need to play, and games and entertain, can be then, traced back to that... There are huge papers talking about all this and making it sound better ok?. Maybe I'll find the source and link it. Maybe.
The point was... If we can trace a lot of our behaviour, mating strategies, our flirting, our jealousy, and many competitive things, to "wilder" ancient times... How can we justify then... Love? From a practical point of view... Not philosophical, romantic or artistic... What is the point of love?...
... Any ideas?.
At that point, hunters would have a good killing and would feed everyone for a while. While they were done hunting they could A) Rest, B) Play some game or C) Keep hunting more. Hunting was quite dangerous then, and you were bound to be killed of it eventually. The ones that kept on hunting on and on, had their days quite counted... (That means they died along with their gene pool). The ones that rested?... Well, they did so a lot... They were not fast enough when it came down to it, and those huge saber tooth got the best of them (and of their gene pool).
The ones that played games?... Throwing stones and spears to stuff?, running?, that kept their muscles working yet in a safe environment?. Those made it... We come from thus... Our need to play, and games and entertain, can be then, traced back to that... There are huge papers talking about all this and making it sound better ok?. Maybe I'll find the source and link it. Maybe.
The point was... If we can trace a lot of our behaviour, mating strategies, our flirting, our jealousy, and many competitive things, to "wilder" ancient times... How can we justify then... Love? From a practical point of view... Not philosophical, romantic or artistic... What is the point of love?...
... Any ideas?.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Later today I will
go to Albane's house... Well, her Mom's since Albane really lives in Lille... Anyway, I AM GOING... The "meet the family" episode will begin... It's intense it's not like an evening coffee and ta-ta good night... It is a full weekend!!!!!!!! O.o
Ah la la...
Heh... I hope it's good!...
---
cheers
Ah la la...
Heh... I hope it's good!...
---
cheers
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Women with all their beauty
and seducing ways, are an ever growing enigma to me. I have come though, to the conclusion that the best is to stop trying to understand them... Something that I have said before, probably many times. They are not to be understood, just loved and hugged.
... But there are, it seems, some general aspects that are funny to observe. Like the "tennis ball" phenomenon as they call it. Pfffft... No well, I don't really like that concept. But it is that, the best way to keep a girl it seems, is to not try to keep her at all. To almost not care.
This is where most of us, or a lot of us, fail miserably. Because us, guys, are wired differently when it comes down to "caring". We can have fun, be "players" if we want, and fool around. But when we care?, when we fall?... Fuck it we are doomed. It shows that we care...
Girls like it if you don't care. Really.
This summer, for example, out in a fun night I was just dancing away with some girls. I am not a great dancer, but in a Latin Bar in Canada, I would say almost any Mexican with an innate sense of rhythm, will be considered smooth and cool. Either way, it was just another male friend and me, with 5 girls I think. It was just good fun...
And then, a little later, came another girl... Very good looking, the "bad girl" look with tattoos, enticing smile, and indiscreet cleavage. On we danced... We drink ed we laughed, and it was all good times. The night moved on, and it could have moved on into "other" things...
I didn't want to. Many reasons behind this.
What happens after?. I am considered "gay" of course!. I am fun, cool, could dance and when it comes down to "it"... I back off. Well, such "gayness" made the girl message me several times, call me, and want to go out again. It seems that, in order to draw her attention and make her interested, all it took, was not being interested at all...
... Not raising my ego or anything. Just stating a funny aspect. One example... I don't want to list many, but there are several in my life that show me how my best "pick up" times with girls and making them interested, is when I am really not thinking about that at all. I go out for fun, whatever, joke... And then all of a sudden PUM... They like me. There must be a hidden lesson behind all this!
It seems to go on like this with many girls. My problem?. When I am in love and care and become passionate about someone, I lose this "not care" attitude and become very involved... Not a bad thing, but it just doesn't seem to work that great. I need to learn to "chill" even when I am on it. (on it = in love, worst and strongest drug ever).
By the way... Am I avoiding talking about her, or France?... Maybe. It's right now going on, too close and kind of confusing... Weird, and I don't know what to make of it all my self. ** sigh **
Cheers
---
Update: Girls, friends... Don't take this wrong, cocky from me, or personal... It's just the way it is sometimes. Each post tends to be an extreme, I am, at the end, maybe a blurred version of the "average" of all the crap I say...
... But there are, it seems, some general aspects that are funny to observe. Like the "tennis ball" phenomenon as they call it. Pfffft... No well, I don't really like that concept. But it is that, the best way to keep a girl it seems, is to not try to keep her at all. To almost not care.
This is where most of us, or a lot of us, fail miserably. Because us, guys, are wired differently when it comes down to "caring". We can have fun, be "players" if we want, and fool around. But when we care?, when we fall?... Fuck it we are doomed. It shows that we care...
Girls like it if you don't care. Really.
This summer, for example, out in a fun night I was just dancing away with some girls. I am not a great dancer, but in a Latin Bar in Canada, I would say almost any Mexican with an innate sense of rhythm, will be considered smooth and cool. Either way, it was just another male friend and me, with 5 girls I think. It was just good fun...
And then, a little later, came another girl... Very good looking, the "bad girl" look with tattoos, enticing smile, and indiscreet cleavage. On we danced... We drink ed we laughed, and it was all good times. The night moved on, and it could have moved on into "other" things...
I didn't want to. Many reasons behind this.
What happens after?. I am considered "gay" of course!. I am fun, cool, could dance and when it comes down to "it"... I back off. Well, such "gayness" made the girl message me several times, call me, and want to go out again. It seems that, in order to draw her attention and make her interested, all it took, was not being interested at all...
... Not raising my ego or anything. Just stating a funny aspect. One example... I don't want to list many, but there are several in my life that show me how my best "pick up" times with girls and making them interested, is when I am really not thinking about that at all. I go out for fun, whatever, joke... And then all of a sudden PUM... They like me. There must be a hidden lesson behind all this!
It seems to go on like this with many girls. My problem?. When I am in love and care and become passionate about someone, I lose this "not care" attitude and become very involved... Not a bad thing, but it just doesn't seem to work that great. I need to learn to "chill" even when I am on it. (on it = in love, worst and strongest drug ever).
By the way... Am I avoiding talking about her, or France?... Maybe. It's right now going on, too close and kind of confusing... Weird, and I don't know what to make of it all my self. ** sigh **
Cheers
---
Update: Girls, friends... Don't take this wrong, cocky from me, or personal... It's just the way it is sometimes. Each post tends to be an extreme, I am, at the end, maybe a blurred version of the "average" of all the crap I say...
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Things that piss me off...
There are a number of things that piss me off... The one that does the most, I guess, is feeling that I am wasting my time... If I think about a lot of things that bother me, I find that, the one thing is common is that... I feel like I waste my time, that I could be doing something else, somewhere else, for sure better...
... This blog?. This blog is NOT a waste of time. This blog is one of the venting windows in which I can just be "blah blah" about random whatevers... This blog is one of the things that "ground me up" and keep me sane. Writing about my day, life and thoughts, makes me more conscious about them... It's not only because, later in one year I read my self and smile...
It is because, as I write, I realize... Putting words into thoughts is making them clearer, giving them substance, meaning and their proper weight.
It pisses me off that I have written so little in so long... That other priorities have taken over my life, in such a strong way. And that, I don't really know how much I value those priorities for sure... How much they are "things to do" versus "things I want to do".
...
I don't like playing the "catch up" game... But so much has been going on since the summer. So many interesting nights, and reflections. I have meet cool people and shared stuff with them. I have done things I regret, I have done things that are plain fun, and have had nights that will stand as great stories for quite a time to come.
A lot of this I have not written, not only for lack of time, but for excess of censoring my self... Of being worried someone will read me, and get offended, take it personal, or just plain get hurt. But I am almost in an honest "fuck that" spot.
I will create a disclaimer, of some sort, and put it obvious in the menu. One general, and one for the girl I am dating, if any, at the moment. I don't like being cryptic, censoring my self, or worrying... I need this space.
This is where I space out... It's for me to mess my mind up with it and it's words and the meanings between lines. It's out there, for you to read... If you want. Because I like feeling the words get further than my self... That they may create some reaction in someone else.
...
(( sigh ))
...
Now I really face my self with the "backtracking" issue... To talk about all this crazy stories of the summer... Or to rant about the very crazy present... In France, with Albane... Fun summer stories will make me laugh, write about the present will make me vent.
What should it be?... What will it be?...
... la la la...
... This blog?. This blog is NOT a waste of time. This blog is one of the venting windows in which I can just be "blah blah" about random whatevers... This blog is one of the things that "ground me up" and keep me sane. Writing about my day, life and thoughts, makes me more conscious about them... It's not only because, later in one year I read my self and smile...
It is because, as I write, I realize... Putting words into thoughts is making them clearer, giving them substance, meaning and their proper weight.
It pisses me off that I have written so little in so long... That other priorities have taken over my life, in such a strong way. And that, I don't really know how much I value those priorities for sure... How much they are "things to do" versus "things I want to do".
...
I don't like playing the "catch up" game... But so much has been going on since the summer. So many interesting nights, and reflections. I have meet cool people and shared stuff with them. I have done things I regret, I have done things that are plain fun, and have had nights that will stand as great stories for quite a time to come.
A lot of this I have not written, not only for lack of time, but for excess of censoring my self... Of being worried someone will read me, and get offended, take it personal, or just plain get hurt. But I am almost in an honest "fuck that" spot.
I will create a disclaimer, of some sort, and put it obvious in the menu. One general, and one for the girl I am dating, if any, at the moment. I don't like being cryptic, censoring my self, or worrying... I need this space.
This is where I space out... It's for me to mess my mind up with it and it's words and the meanings between lines. It's out there, for you to read... If you want. Because I like feeling the words get further than my self... That they may create some reaction in someone else.
...
(( sigh ))
...
Now I really face my self with the "backtracking" issue... To talk about all this crazy stories of the summer... Or to rant about the very crazy present... In France, with Albane... Fun summer stories will make me laugh, write about the present will make me vent.
What should it be?... What will it be?...
... la la la...
Monday, October 02, 2006
Currently in France...
With my heart open in my hands, and my mind flying up in the moon... Living a life close to a dream sometimes, and way too real some others... Getting to know, for real, the one that was the reason of my travel... She is becoming a real woman in my mind... With all those "perky little details"... All this things I am realizing... All this things that are making me think so much...
I have much much to share... my times in the South, Aix en Provence, Fayence, Cannes, Nice, St. Tropez... Belgium, Brugge, Paris and all it's wonderful little corners... All this holding hands with a great girl... Sometimes, with some clounds in my mind that I should discuss another time...
Expect some good post soon...
But yes, as I said some months ago, that story was far from over... And the take two will take many interesting shifts and turns... This is just a quick "hi"... Saying I am alive... Here... And thinking about writing soon... As soon as I have the time and energy to recall...
Cheers to thee all... Really.
I have much much to share... my times in the South, Aix en Provence, Fayence, Cannes, Nice, St. Tropez... Belgium, Brugge, Paris and all it's wonderful little corners... All this holding hands with a great girl... Sometimes, with some clounds in my mind that I should discuss another time...
Expect some good post soon...
But yes, as I said some months ago, that story was far from over... And the take two will take many interesting shifts and turns... This is just a quick "hi"... Saying I am alive... Here... And thinking about writing soon... As soon as I have the time and energy to recall...
Cheers to thee all... Really.
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